Day 12- Two Days Down, The Rest of My Life to Go

People are starting to find out. They say that misery loves company, but not nosy company! 1 by 1 our mutual friends have started Facebooking and emailing to see if I'm, "ok." I'm thankful for that. I am not thankful for the next part of most messages... I am not thankful for the part where everyone goes into detail about how we were the, "next in line to get married" and "the happy couple." Those comments just make me feel more like a failure. They make me question myself.
The truth is, we were happy. We were happy when we were together, but we weren't together. Mason lives up north and I live in Florida. We haven't lived in the same city in almost 2yrs. He claims to be moving back soon but has yet to make a "move" to come back. I want to go up there, but he doesn't want me to move there, because then he can't leave. In other words, he is afraid of commitment.


I love him. I have only 1 reason not to be with him: He wants to be with me but not WITH me.

I've gone two days with no communication. That doesn't sound like much, but it is.

He hasn't changed his facebook status. "In a relationship," it says. His profile picture is still us... I know because I check it 5x a day. I'm waiting. I'm waiting for him to change it and break my heart further. I'm waiting because when he does that, when he finally makes his public display of moving on, that is when I will know that he is done. That is when I will be sure that he is not going to fight. It's lame to say that so much lies in a simple facebook profile, but that is when I'll know that this awful two days was only a small bit of the rest of my life without him.

Day 11- Trying to Be Serious

I broke up with my boyfriend of over 3yrs. Yes, I did the breaking up. I did it and I am the one that ended up "broken." Shouldn't it be the other way around??? Shouldn't he be breaking? Didn't I break his heart?
They say that men show their pain in a different way. He shows it by not having any. Ok, that's a lie. He is hurting, I know that. I just don't understand how his pain is so different.
I want to ask him things. I want to ask him if he thinks I'm bluffing. I want to ask him if he feels relieved. I want to ask him... I want to ask him why I'm not worth fighting for. I want to know why he couldn't just look me in the eyes and say, "No. No, we are not breaking up because I love you and I want to make this work." Instead, he just sat back and said, "if that will make you happy." Bull!
Make me happy?!?! Make ME happy? If he is so worried about my happiness, why hasn't he tried to be the one that makes me happy.
In an effort to convince not only him, but myself that I am, in fact, not bluffing I am not going to call him tonight. I am not going to text him to say goodnight. I am not going to write him a facebook message. I am not going to make contact. I am trying to be serious.